I Had to kill Doreen.

5 Dec

I had a really gross photo of Fabio here but it lowered the tone even more than necessary.

She’s dead. After a week of reading about writing romance novels, I realized Doreen had to go. The most annoying part of the whole episode is that I now understand that she can’t be replaced with a Dorris or a Petunia or Gladys; it’s got to come from me.

If I’m going to write a romance novel I’m going to have to fully embrace the genre, and temporarily forget a lot of things I’ve learned about writing, or at least I like to assume I’ve learned.

I killed Doreen when I understood that it’s not adopting a genre whose characteristics are dictated by a gargantamungus publishing conglomerate that makes writing romance novels a formulaic exercise – it’s the fact that it’s nothing more than contemporary folklore, which despite its sub-genres, is frustratingly rigid. No one dictates to us that writers have to adhere to the formula other than us, and it’s for the same reason that we won’t accept that Cinderella ditches Mr. Prince and moves to Iowa to become a veterinary technician because it seemed like a better career move. Great romance novels aren’t great because they are mind-blowingly original; they are great because they adhere to the genre perfectly and still feel fresh. Add vampires and tweenage sex fantasies you can retire.

And what happens when crap authors try to be innovative amidst this much rigidity? Diabolical splatterings of deeply embarrassing and hilarious prose that vomits all over itself or just implodes it its own inane crapness:

“Each stroke sent a bolt akin to one of Zeus’ thunderbolts through his loins.”

“Not even the tease of a little bondage had gotten his cock to wake from its deathlike sleep.”

It’s like Scarlet O’Hara, Katy Price, an orangutan and Ed Gein are having an orgy and it’s just not working.

This one really scared me:

“At the feel of his tongue slapping against her pulsing perl [sic], Anna came unglued [sic] and her orgasm detonated like a C-4 explosive. The air rushed out of her lungs, her eyes rolled to the back of her head and her entire body quivered and trembled with violent aftershocks.

And still, Taariq’s tongue continued to swirl inside her like a MidWestern [sic] tornado. Before she knew it another orgasm was set to go off in 3…2…1…

‘Aaaaah!'”

Ahhhhhh! Is that a real pearl, or are we including perl scripts here, just for those romance-reading programmers? This sounds like a really horrid experience,  and I’m sure it’s in breach of the Geneva convention.

“It was a dark and horny night…”

I don’t need to clarify why this is ridiculous.

“Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew.”

I love a bit of man-dew. Beats Mountain Dew any day.

“His flatulence reared up like a proud stallion.”

Apparently the genre offers something for everyone.

Laurell K. Hamilton’s description of male goodies in Seduced By Moonlight is my favorite, though:
“I ran my hands over him, the shaft of him as soft as most men’s balls, and the skin of his testicles like something made of satin. I had no words for the fineness of the skin between his legs. It was softer than a dream, like a bag made to hold something magical.”

Ah yes, magical ball sacks – we all love them.

There are dozens of websites dedicated to collecting these quotes; it’s a huge literary fungus.

There is a  myth floating around the universe that writing romance novels is easy. I think this demonstrates that writing crap is easy, but writing good romance novels that describe more than daffodils and vanilla custard is not necessarily “easy.”In the past week I have not learned to like the genre, but I have learned that those who write romance well are not called Doreen.

In the meantime, I have a plot outline developed and a great hero and heroine, but no perls or satin scrotums so far.

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6 Responses to “I Had to kill Doreen.”

  1. Alicia December 5, 2011 at 2:02 pm #

    Man-dew is also a favorite of mine…I had no idea others felt the same way.

    This, by the way, is hysterical.

    • Alicia December 5, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

      Also, I’m looking for excerpts in Spanish to show people here…I don’t suppose you have a resource at your fingertips?

      • literatiwriting December 5, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

        Hmmm I will be on the hunt for Spanish equivalents and see if I can come up with something! I think I’m going to start my day with an inspiring bad romance quote from now on. It can be like a ritual.

  2. SoItalian! December 5, 2011 at 7:31 pm #

    i love the idea of satin balls

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The “I still Lurve Ya Bebeh” Master Plot! « Literati Writing - December 15, 2011

    […] have been slowly killing myself trying to write a romance novel. I will not go into why decided to do such a thing as I’ve already explained my lunacy […]

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